unknowing the ones we love
Picture this: I’m standing outside a breakfast café on a tropical island, feeling the warmth of the sun and grateful to be there. The soufflé pancakes in the window are calling to me, but the crowd waiting to be seated is stirring some internal anxiety. I’ve been waiting alone for thirty minutes when my sister walks up and asks, “Did you put our name down?”
In an instant, my whole body goes hot—pain, anger, everything surging. I snap. At this point in my journey, “snapping” usually means one regretted sentence escapes before I can catch myself.
“Yes. I’m not stupid,” I reply. The look in my eyes disconnects us immediately. I turn to leave, already knowing exactly what triggered me: the assumption of stupid behind her words—an old wound gifted to me by ADHD.
Growing up, my family teased playfully, like so many do. But I didn’t have the foundation of self-esteem to handle it. My sister, in my mind, becomes part of that old threat—a repetitive voice in a family that sees me as forgetful or incapable. Is that who she was being when she asked if I’d put our name down? Or was I holding onto the last time she actually implied I was stupid, pigtails in her hair and a Hannah Montana shirt on her back?
If we know our brains work hard to eliminate most uncertainty, we can understand how easy it is to carry old images of someone forward, even when they no longer fit. To really know her now, I have to actively let go of who I thought she was, and instead see the person standing in front of me. I have to be present enough, regulated and feeling secure in myself to do this.
If I am present today, I get to experience the truth- that my sister is kind, sensitive, and empathetic in ways babies can sense. Of course, she is other things too. And I miss out on the whole truth when I let myself be pulled backwards into the past, assuming her intentions and feelings without checking in.
“To truly know people we have to consistently unknow them, especially if we have “known” them for a long time. Let your love be new to you in each moment, and your relationship will rarely feel stagnant.” -Andrea Gibson
I think all of our relationships depend on this: experiencing each other as complex, changing beings over and over and over. That could also be called grace. You might call it naive.* Terry Real calls this identifying the CNI (Core Negative Image) you hold of your partner- I think his work applies to any relationship. If you start seeing your friend as cheap, their human mistakes and inevitabilities might start aligning under this nasty umbrella term, and you might very well feel the relationship start to disintegrate under your growing resentment.
How would your actions change if you truly honored the people you love as they are in the present moment? How have you responded in the past when you interacted with someone based on their Core Negative Image instead of seeing who they are today? What might shift in your relationships if you let go of old assumptions and allowed yourself to re-learn the people closest to you, over and over again?
This is just a seed, a whisper of an idea. Reading these words doesn’t make us better or more evolved. The real practice is harder—it's in the showing up, again and again, with awareness and curiosity. It’s in remembering that each moment gives us the chance to meet ourselves and others as they truly are. And maybe, in that space of presence, something shifts. Not because we’re trying to fix or change anything, but because we’re finally seeing it all clearly.
*This idea does not apply to cycles of abuse. While all humans deserve love and care, I am not suggesting we forget transgressions so as to tolerate unhealthy dynamics.
