the uncertainty of growth: dopamine, neural networks, and the space in-between
Fast food deliveries, instant media streaming, Amazon, dating apps—all streamline processes and cut waiting. Lovely! But life involves waiting. It involves toe-tapping, watch-glancing. Those are skills and necessary experiences baked into life. If we watch nature around us, there's waiting all around. And by wanting to tech-ourselves above it, superior to the lowly art of patience... we miss out on all that is slow, and all of the lessons there waiting for us.
Uncertainty is a skill. It’s a tolerance. And in modern life, that tolerance is wearing thin. Neuroscientist Andrew Huberman talks about how dopamine—our motivation and reward system—is increasingly hacked by low-effort, high-reward behaviors. We scroll, we refresh, we get instant feedback, and our brains get a tiny hit of “Yes! Good job!” with minimal to no effort. The problem? That same brain then struggles to sit with the slow burn of learning, of becoming. Real life doesn’t work on a variable reward schedule like an algorithm. Career changes, parenting, personal growth—these things live in the long, messy middle, and we’ve trained ourselves to avoid that space at all costs.
A perfect example of this normal, yet wildly uncomfortable, in-between space? Romantic relationships.
There’s a part of me that has wanted to skip uncertainty entirely. I wanted to press fast-forward, arrive fully formed, and have the kind of certainty that makes everything feel safe. “Yes! Let’s camp here! And do this! Let’s plan dates for forever and map out every feeling I might have about this in advance. Let’s make sure I never make a mistake, never feel shame about the parts of me that feel too much, too needy, too unsure.” What a charming attempt at outwitting the unknown.
And to some people, that lack of certainty means it isn’t right. That’s the programming. We’ve learned there’s a correct way to do things, and if it feels wobbly, then you must be doing it wrong. Overnight success stories and social media virality only reinforce this illusion. But what if the wobbliness is just... learning? What if the discomfort is part of the process rather than proof you should back out of whatever it is that feels hard?
The in-between is where all the good stuff happens!
You know who’s v comfy in the in-between? Hermit crabs. When they outgrows their shells, they have to leave them behind and search for a bigger one. That in-between moment? Different, vulnerable and exposed to prey. Sometimes, they try on a shell that’s too big. Sometimes, other crabs come along and say, “Hey, let’s be here, together, while we find new ones.” They literally line up in an orderly queue and upgrade shells together. There’s risk in this transition, but there’s also community. I think we need reminders that waiting can be something we learn to tolerate together. We can trust ourselves to survive the in-between, knowing it can be the juiciest part rather than something to conquer.
