you don’t deserve it
“I deserve love” I said to a mentor of mine, years ago. She said—“Try to not use the words ‘love’ and ‘deserve’ in the same sentence. Love is never, and I mean never, something one must earn.” -Andrea Gibson
I think about this often, especially in sessions where I find myself gently saying, “You deserve rest.” And yet, I can’t help but question it, just like Andrea’s mentor. Some things—like rest, love, and care—shouldn’t be tied to the idea of deserving. Even though I deeply believe in my clients' worth, they don’t “deserve” good things because of what they’ve been through or how much they sacrifice for others.
This notion of deserving can place us into martyr or victim roles, where good things become conditional—tied to our suffering or sacrifice. It’s like saying, “I deserve good things…” with a whispered, “…because I’ve endured so much and I’m always giving.” While the cloaks of these roles might be alluring or well embroidered, there’s a way to meet these parts of us, acknowledge their feelings, and move through them without letting them define us.
Maybe some part of our minds already knows this: when we stand in front of a mirror, repeating phrases like “I am good” or “I am beautiful,” there’s often a sense of resistance—a pushback that can feel almost spiritual, as if our minds are asking, “Does this even matter? Do we have to be beautiful or good?” In trauma-informed therapy, we sometimes turn to neutral affirmations for this reason. Overly positive statements can feel empty, or even jarring, if they don’t match what we actually need to hear.
Pea the Feary touches on this in a posted art piece that reads, “Me when I remember that I don’t get what I want because I’m worthy or deserving of it, but simply because I want it and stay open to it.” This simple reminder lands powerfully. It’s less about earning and more about being open to receiving.
When I first read Pea’s post, I felt the giddy high of resonance. Parts of me clung on quickly- “this is it! The key.” But true integration doesn’t end there. It’s about living into that openness, letting it shape how we engage with ourselves and the world. What would true integration of wanting and staying open to it look like?
While the wanting part of this spell is incredibly easy for humans, there are identity matches to the things we desire- the things we “deserve.” Staying open to them might look like asking, “How can I be the kind of person who attracts fulfilling relationships, meaningful work, or a life full of wonder?” How does the person who has that act or dress? Can you practice that right now? Pretend to be that. Act like them for an hour. See what shifts.
This mindset also means staying receptive to the strange, magical ways life can surprise us—things that our minds could never predict or imagine. Can you think of one right now? One of those synchronous, important, maybe even romanticized moments when some thing or person waltzed into your life out of nowhere?
Are you explaining it away? Are you convinced something like that won’t ever happen again because this is just how life is now? Loss after loss and never getting what you deserve. Hi to those parts of you! Love them and their hard work.
Now let’s notice that there is a part of you who has witnessed magic in the past. A part of you that believes in it, in the Abundant Good- all the great out there for you. Invite that part to the steering wheel and see what unfolds. Let it lead you to the places where love, rest, and magic are waiting—not because you “deserve” them, but because they’re already yours to explore. Who knows what might happen next?
